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Thursday, July, 21, 2011 - 8:53 PM
MadCow TV
I guess when you have to fill 24 hours for partisan rants, and the largest ego on the planet stomped out the door for Algore TV, you have some tough decisions if you are a cable executive. Which leads to disastrous decisions like putting a 12-year boy on primetime named Rachel Maddow.
MadCow is full of jokes that make no one laugh…not even the employees sitting in studio. Her sarcasm bites…but like a poodle gnawing at your ankles. MSNBC is trying out a new brand — “Lean Forward” — with their on-air hosts recording promotional commercials that try to inspire us. But all I can think of is, “who put this 12-year old boy on TV, and when is her voice going to get past puberty?” “Lean forward? That sounds like telling me to drop the soap in the shower.”
MadCow is really worked up about Rick Perry. She devotes 15 minutes segments to changes to the website for his prayer event, unearthing new conspiracies made up out of whole cloth. She and her leftist buddies so freely wield a hacksaw for people of faith you wonder if they even stop and think about what they are saying.
When I listen to her, I see this sad person seeking to validate herself on a national TV show. The only time she seemed genuinely happy was when 4 US women soccer players came on her show. Maybe Rapino gave her her number.
I suppose this is the way of the world — partisan hacks advocating for one party’s view under the auspices of reporting the news, though you would think MSNBC could find some new hacks. Maybe Current TV will make a move on them so we can’t even find them on our cable anymore. One can wish.
It look’s like Madcow’s sidekick is not excited to “Lean Forward”
who is that 12-year old boy
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Monday, March, 21, 2011 - 10:16 AM
On the Prowl
Tomorrow is the half-way point of session, which means we are just 71 days away from telling grandma “the home” is where she belongs. ‘Really ma, three meals and a cot, lots of friends you can tell the same joke over and over to, you’re going to love it!’
Okay, so not every agency is without fat. Heck, we could suspend the Historical Commission for two years and we will still have the Alamo and JerryWorld. Have you looked at state employees? There’s more fat there than on the Biggest Loser.
If we want to get these agencies in shape, we should do what the Dell Community Center does. Every employee has a stand up desk and a treadmill. If you go eight hours straight in the presence of two goddesses, you are officially declared to have have Tiger Blood in your system. If you do it while on coke, you get free admissions to SXSW and skinny jeans.
There are some legislators who shouldn’t qualify for skinny jeans. Tuffy, keep making pies.
But today is the start of Voter ID — otherwise known as the single greatest tool for destroying the Democrats’ main constituency. Next week is the budget. Good thing Dewhurst is looking for $5 billion in non-tax revenue. I say we call sales taxes a fee, and get rid of all those fee exemptions. Either that, or trot out that oldie but goodie: the tits for tots tax. I will be the first to represent exotic women to stop a tax hike.
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Tuesday, March, 8, 2011 - 9:31 AM
Bi-Winning
You only thought I was dead and gone. Please. I was simply taking Charlie Sheen’s warm seat at rehab. I have been injected with Tiger Blood. I’m back, and the Goddesses are happy.
Seriously, I have been so absorbed by Anderson Cooper’s nightly updates on Libya, Piers Morgan’s riveting interviews with serious figures like Hugh Hefner, and Dr. Drew’s psycho-analysis of celebrity addicts that I just haven’t found time to write.
And then I was rocked out of my Tiger Blood coma when I read today’s Austin American-Statesman. Dateline, Capitol (knuckledragger central). “Dueling sonogram bills loom for lawmakers.”
Apparently, Dan Patrick’s limp biscuit sonogram bill, which doesn’t require the Alvarado vaginal wand, wasn’t used as the vehicle for Sid Miller to substitute his bill. It’s a cock-fight that has broken out into a game of chicken.
Apparently Patrick is a bit twisted off, and is blaming the liberals in the Senate for making him pass a bill that will only intimidate pregnant women instead of scaring the bejeezus out of them.
Patrick, who is sanctimonious even when he is on his meds, can’t figure out why the House won’t just accept his bill. To quote the Church Lady: “Satan perhaps.”
Apparently playing the role of Satan against the Holy Warrior Patrick, Speaker Joe Straus has Patrick’s legislative package bottled up and buried. I don’t know why he would do that BESIDES THE FACT PATRICK INJECTED HIMSELF INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE SPEAKER’S RACE, TRYING TO INITIATE A BEER SUMMIT WITH PAXTON, CHISUM AND STRAUS. (no one told Patrick that the Tea Party doesn’t serve beer made in the British Commonwealth, or Ireland just for good measure. Piss off you blimey.)
His High Holiness doesn’t understand how his intrusion into House politics — the political equivalent of the Alvarado vagina wand — could in any way impact his legislative package. Someone clue Patrick in: you will need a sonogram to determine whether his bills have life in the House.
I say decide this in conference boys…behind closed doors…in stirrups.
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Monday, January, 24, 2011 - 10:30 AM
Let the games begin
So, today Dewhurst will carry the torch into the Senate and light that place on fire. Perhaps a Spanish archer will land the flame on the dias like Barcelona ‘92. That would be really cool, except he will need to bring an ID! Hah.
So, today starts the incendiary subject of voter ID. Surely the session will end on redistricting. And much of the time in between will be dedicated to the budget, and Dan Patrick rising to hear himself speak. This will be great. The House will be boring by comparison.
As far as Voter ID goes, the D’s will scream there is no evidence of fraud. Well, we haven’t found Jimmy Hoffa’s body, so I guess there is no evidence of murder. Then they will complain about grandma’s who have no ID. Great, then how do we know grandma isn’t an illegal alien? I propose the voter ID chip, implanted in every grandma’s wrist during a hystorectomy, or other normal old people procedures.
But what will be really interesting is the public posturing all session. They all smell the head chair if the electorate does the Dew for Senate 2012. Even more interesting is they all have to run in re-configured districts. Will the tea party zealots of Northeast Texas give Eltife a pass? How ‘bout the North Texas guys with Carona? Not sure who will actually make a run at the presiding chair (hell, Eltife is in it all the time now anyway), but methinks primaries will be hotter for the senate this time than they have been in quite some time.
Get your seat, get you popcorn, and bring your ID.
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Tuesday, January, 18, 2011 - 10:18 AM
4 Score, and 7 years ago, Perry was Still Governor…
What a day. The time-honored ritual of inaugurating Rick Perry as governor. At this point he has outlasted Breshnev, and the rest of the Politburo — which I am personally happy about, because it drives the Austin 78704 Crowd crazy to see a hick from Paint Creek ruling over them.
There will be no Nuge this year, so no confederate anthems or blue hairs running out of the ball when his guitar starts screaming. In fact, there is no ball — just a celebration — which I am glad for because squeezing into my tux has become a 30-minute job. And the bow tie makes my neck look like it is having hot flashes.
Today the governor is likely to call for sealing the border — with Oklahoma. No more Aggie recruits will be lost to that used car salesman Bob Stoops. I believe he will also offer to trade El Paso to New Mexico for water. His most innovative proposal will be to declare New Orleans a sanctuary city for all illegal aliens because they need the re-population.
Rumors abound about Perry running for President. If he says he wakes up on the sunrise side of the mountain, look for Carney to mount a front porch campaign from Barton Hills.
Let the big hair and fun festivities begin. It should be a helluva show.
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Thursday, January, 13, 2011 - 8:28 PM
Belated Blogservations
Okay, I got so carried with Tuesday’s events that I turned to grog instead of my blog. Then I caught a big case of Irish fever Wednesday. But I’m back baby, and ready to talk about how 70 kicks ass over 30 any day of the week.
First, a benevolent note to the speaker’s opponents: many of you were sold a bill of goods, and following the legislative process can be like deciphering Egyptian heiroglyphics (fuck it, I don’t know how to spell it and am too lazy to ask my buddy webster.) That being said, your passion for public policy is admired, even by this blog, where it has been regularly scorned.
But truly, the scorn is reserved for Queen Sullivan, his employed idiocrats, the nutnet groups that simply discarded the context of various votes, and the allied legislators who remained silent in the face of gross distortion. For them, it mattered how little truth was spoken about the speaker because it served their ambition. As the speaker once aptly said, this fight was not about ideology, but power.
And Phil King and his band of angry allies could never get over the fact that the Cardinals chose a candidate that they might otherwise have enjoyed serving with under different circumstances. In other words, they assigned the sins of the other cardinals to the guy they chose — Joe Straus.
The good thing about a speakers race is it is an informed electorate. Voters aren’t relying on TV ads or robocalls…but who bought them the best booze (I jest.) Crazy emails from a person who has never meant the man they are attacking mean nothing to a member who has served by his side. Some of them also had to think, “who does Ken Paxton think he is” in his effort to emerge as the spokesperson of the “conservative” movement. In reality, Ken became the source of blame for the politics of personal destruction directed their way.
Paxton, a nice man, is now deeply bruised with his colleagues — and even if he is running for the state senate or congress, it might be wise to not piss off 80 percent of your colleagues.
Chisum can get back to his agenda of outlawing sex between men and sheep.
Straus gets the benefit of presiding over a House now scarred by an intra-party war. That’s a tough job when you also have to deal with a record budget shortfall.
Because of Leo Berman, we also have a demonstration of the hardened opposition. You have to wonder why Paxton withdrew his name for the good of the members, and then voted against the speaker even though he no longer had opposition. A handful of freshmen signaled their grave distaste for the speaker despite not having served one day with him. The smarter ones who voted no in caucus were those who showed support on Tuesday.
We will see where it goes from here. For me it leads to a wider range of commentary from the emerging race for US Senator, to Whitmire’s unexplainable tic, and Gallegos’ inability to form a sentence with or without a new liver. I, for one, can’t wait for this session to get going. It’s better entertainment than Drew Nixon on South Congress. Bring it on - like Donkey Kong.
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Monday, January, 10, 2011 - 4:19 PM
A funny thing happened on the way to the caucus
All the power of the Tea Party…this firestorm coming from the prairies of nutnetdom…that was to deliver the House from Straus…got a sum total of 30 Republicans of 100 in Caucus today.
All the sound and fury we had heard that Republicans couldn’t elect a guy who actually talks to Democrats on the House Floor, and lets them vote, was summarily rejected by the folks who actually know something about the three candidates.
BREAKING NEWS: according to the Bible of Blogs (Burka Blog, which I shall call the Old Testament of Texas Politics compared to my New testament version) Bryan Hughes is reaching out to the trials in a play to get the Dems to line up with Paxton!?! http://www.texasmonthly.com/blogs/burkablog/
What you say? The Tea Party backed candidate, the movement of unyielding partisan purity, is asking unholy, unwashed liberals to swing the vote their way? Hahahahahahahahahaha. THIS IS GREAT. You mean the Tea Party will break bread with tax collectors? Get me Matthew, Peter, Paul…hell even Mary and that guy they lowered through the roof…this is the political equivalent of Cana! Gold, Jerry, Gold!
Debate on the floor tomorrow:
Rep. Gallego: I rise to support Ken Paxton. He pushed to make my party irrelevant in choosing a leader. He hurled insults at Joe Straus by comparing him to us. He doesn’t even think anyone with an opinion outside of the nutnet fringe should matter on this floor. But because I like my beatings during session, and not just before, I ask you to support him. Thank you sir, may I have another.
Rep. Farrar: Well even though the bishop down the road said we were all sinners, and even though Ken Paxton thinks I support legally sanctioned infanticide, I rise in support of his nomination for speaker because I HAVE COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND!
Rep. Coleman: Mr. Speaker, I want to live in Phil King’s Compound one day. Vote me aye for Paxton.
Okay, I’m sure this will happen.
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Saturday, January, 8, 2011 - 12:00 PM
Patrick’s self-inflated flatulance
There’s no one like Senator Dan Patrick when it comes to rolling a few hand grenades into an already-seething cauldron of crazies. Patrick sent out a letter to legislators and the nutnet, printed on letterhead titled, “from the desk of the second most important man to walk the planet”. Was it a letter to his fellow senators on the two-thirds rule, or any other matters of importance to the body in which he serves? Nope, it’s about the speaker’s race.
Apparently Patrick thinks he should insert himself into a House leadership election. The creator of the Independent Conservative Republicans of Texas, as well as the Tea Party Caucus, is now forming the, “the legislators who won’t pass shit caucus.”
An excerpt from Patricks letter admonishing Republican House members to elect the speaker in a caucus meeting:
“Without a Caucus vote, conservative voters will be angry, disappointed, and disillusioned. But they will also fight back. It seems to this Senator that they have earned the right to have their voice heard in all we do in Austin. It would also be wise for legislators to avoid that fight.”
Note to Patrick: these people are aready angry and disappointed, and they live in a state of permanent disillusionment. Like you, when their medications are off they say and do crazy things. Up the Lexapro Senator.
First, I am sure the 12 Democrats in the Senate will be elated Senator Goeb is pushing the agenda of the nutnet, which will make it that much easier to get two D’s to suspend the rules on Voter ID.
Second, don’t you have enough shit to worry about in the Senate — such as how your body will not become a major bottleneck for all conservative legislation, whether the chamber is big enough for your re-sized ego, and whether when a senator flatulates in a forest, does anyone hear it?
I’m sure members of the House were waiting with baited breath for the declarations from on high from the self-appointed prophet of Republican purity. It’s great that the House Republicans now have permission to act from the High Priest of Pabulum.
I tell you what, senator: how bout the House Republicans take up the Senate’s two-thirds rule in caucus as long as we are on the subject of intra-body tampering? Maybe they can also address this practice where the senate addresses all issue behind closed doors in order to get two-thirds to bring up an issue?
Now keep in mind, this comes from the same Danny Goeb who fought the margins tax on the airwaves feigning the cause of conservative purity when in fact he was taking advantage of the franchise tax loophole to avoid paying business taxes. Nothing like a little profit motive in order to get religion.
But hey, when you are elected only to appease crazy, who needs collegiality? A fun session awaits — can’t wait to see the reception Senator Goeb gets in the House.
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Tuesday, January, 4, 2011 - 1:45 PM
CraddickPlay
Team Taxton has moved beyond announcing the endorsements of his 20 supporters in the House, and now all the nutnet groups are making threats about members being graded if they vote wrong on speaker.
First Queen Sullivan “warned” legislators it would be a part of their scorecard. Not to be outdone, Eagle Forehead said it would make up 50 percent of their rating (the other 50 percent dependent on whether legislators can recite the lyrics to Amy Grant’s “El Shaddai” — before she went secular and all that crap). Not to be outdone, Americans for Prosperity has announced it will grade members on the speaker vote, and then tweet it out to all their prosperity disciples, who will do korean boxer sit-ins at legislative offices.
Just one question: who the hell do these so-called conservative leaders think they are, and why do they think they speak for the overwhelming majority of Texans? Do they really think Texans went to the ballot box to send a message on abortion? Buy a clue. They went to send an economic message to a free-spending Congress and their co-addict, President Obama. It was about mortgaging our future with debt, and stealing from future generations. Here we have in Austin a speaker who helped cut taxes and state spending — the very same record Governor Perry just campaigned on, got elected on, and built a conservative base of support on (forgive the dangling participle please.)
This is not a Republican primary in a phone booth — it is smaller than that. And pretty much everybody voting knows everybody voting. More importantly, they know who the candidates really are. A bunch of half-truths spun to the nutnet, by the nutnet and for the nutnet means little compared to the relationships many legislators have developed with each candidate. They know the real Joe Straus, his conservative principles, and his aptitude for fairness. Crazy people screaming at them, and “warning” them with scorecards just reinforces how little they want to empower these people. They are not going to let the terrorists win (or the rabble-rousers behind the curtain: Craddick and King).
ColdPlay captures the feeling of the nutnet best:
A warning sign
I missed the good part, then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss you Tom Craddick
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so Mr. State Officer
Craddick, followed by the agent for Chris Martin, Mr. Smooth (j.k.)
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Tuesday, January, 4, 2011 - 9:09 AM
Coffee Clash
If the Tea Party wants something to protest, instead of being hijacked by the social conservatives to protest a speaker who gave them tax cuts and spending cuts, I suggest they picket Starbucks. A venti coffee just went up 22 cents from $2.22 to $2.44. This is fraggin’ criminal! (I am writing this from my jail cell after being arrested, see photo below, courtesy of Life Magazine.)
